A friend of mine asked me a few days ago, “When was the last time you cry?”
I know that he has always been a random guy asking random questions at random times, and I usually never have to think long before answering. In fact, my head instantly gave me the answer : a few months ago. But I ended up answering, “This February”. Because it was the day when I felt like crying the most in my entire life. It is almost a year now, and I know that I should have gotten over it by now. Looking back, I know I’m supposed to be laughing at it and saying “Nah, those are all in the past”.
It’s Christmas in one week, one of my most favorite moments, because Christmas equals happiness to me. If one asks, “What is your best Christmas memory?”
“We were having a normal date as we used to do. After watching a movie, in the evening, we went downstairs to the park, and we saw children singing Christmas songs on the stage. I have always loved Christmas songs, so we stopped to sit at a nearby bench and listen to the songs. It was calm, it was peaceful, it was beautiful. We didn’t talk much, and for a moment I felt like everything was just perfect. Santa Claus didn’t have to give me anything, everything was going well. I just wish that next Christmas, I would want to do the same thing here, with him.”
“Who would have thought that it would be one of our last dates?”
“My anxiety. My unforeseen future. The future that involves not only me, but people that may depend on me. Choosing between the ideal future and what my heart wants, both will bring me regrets anyway. The thing is, which one will bring me more regrets?”
“Last night, when I walked past that big Christmas tree, I couldn’t help but remember all the beautiful memories we have shared. I tried my best to hold my tears from falling down.”
“And at that exact moment I finally understood. Why I have been sleeping a lot. Why the thought of watching movies is not that interesting anymore. Why I have constantly felt lonely. The urge to spend more time with people around me instead of being alone.”
“Why, for a long time, there is nothing I look forward to.”
I miss you. I miss you so much to the point that, everywhere I go, I hope you will be there by any chance, even though it is near to impossible. I miss you that I hope you will knock on my door and bring me food as you used to do. I miss you that when I saw you in my dream, I prayed you would still stay by my side when I woke up.
But to say these things to you in person, I don’t have the courage to do so. After all, we didn’t have a proper good bye. After all, I don’t even know what you are thinking and how you would react. After all, I still don’t know why I am still holding on to that feeling until now. And this foolish self of mine, instead of screaming out loud, can only speak what I’m feeling through words.
I don’t know whether Santa is reading blogs to know one’s wish or that I have been a good girl this year, but I’m starting to hope that Santa will grant me a wish this year. That one miracle in December…
– Masayoshi Yamazaki